Review gives kids room to grow

Posted Jul 30, 2008 5:43pm

“But will he be ok? What if he has an accident? What if someone tries to get him? I’ll wait on the phone then until he gets there ok?”

This anxious and overwhelmed response greeted Roslyn Price when she explained to the mother of her son’s friend that her son was going to ride his bike home following an afternoon play meet.

“I felt so sad that the world had come to this point, where a mum could be that anxious about a child,” Mrs Price says.

It’s been labelled the “sanitised childhood” – the one where parents do everything within their power to protect their children from disappointment in the mistaken belief that confidence grows in the absence of failure.

Mrs Price adds she’s fortunate to have witnessed both sides of the fence as a mother of three and School Counsellor.

“I’ve often seen parents who are bound by fear, so they are over-protective of their kids. Obviously through fear for their safety but equally for fear of embarrassment or social judgement,” she says.

Preparing kids for adult life has always been a struggle for parents, and according to Indooroopilly father of three, Brian Wallace, it’s just getting harder.

“It's a tough one these days because we're inundated with bad news daily about paedophiles and predators. Parents have become over protective, keeping their little darlings in cotton wool,” he says.

“They’re even being fed politically correct responses instead of being told in plain English that they came 25th in their class of 30 for Maths.”

While this gradual shift in parenting style has been taking place, the public debate is now winding up. Psychologists and others professionals have started to speak up about the need to give kids room to grow.

Melbourne Psychologist, Andrew Fuller, earlier this year released his latest book Raising Real People: Creating a Resilient Family.

“Kids have to be gun students by the age of two or we think they’re stuffed, so there’s this wave of anxiety created by the desire to get ahead. In that context, failure comes to be seen as a catastrophic event,” Fuller says.

The problem with that reveals Fuller is “kids risk becoming so afraid of not doing well that they won’t try anything outside their comfort zone.”

So, according Mr Fuller, what’s a parent to do?

Lead by example, “Jean-Paul Sartre said that the best thing a parent can do for their child is to die young,” he says. “What he meant was that the role parents mistakenly fall into is encourager of success. It’s much more powerful to cultivate an attitude of having a go.”

Check in the mirror, “If you’re highly competitive yourself, you need to ask if it’s been the best approach. Start by telling your kids that they can’t win every point or game. Teach them not to worry, to give it another shot and not be crushed when they come up short.”

Shift the focus, “It’s an old sporting maxim – if you focus on the outcome, then your performance will suffer. So make sure your kids concentrate on what’s in front of them, rather than some distant objective.”

Schedule mooch time, “This is when you get to just hang with your kids and play with them. Playing games is important to help them learn not to be fazed by losing. Its not that you’re not trying to win, but it might be best of three, and when they lose you say ‘best of five or best of seven’. It’s about having the most fun.”

Be patient, “Teaching resilience is no just-add-water solution. This is a work in progress. It will take years. Teaching them to roll with the punches is like an inoculation program. It takes time.”

Brisbane child psychologist, Kylie Sawley, says Fuller is on the money.

“In a lot of instances the most anxious of children come from the most loving and intact families. It appears these children are protected to such a high degree that the first time they are faced with difficulties they don’t know how to handle it,” she says.

“As hard as it might seem, children need to suffer some hardships in their lives in order to realize they can cope. I don’t mean trauma or abuse, but a scraped knee or failed maths test is really not that bad.”

Maybe the fact that professionals are now advocating for our children to have the odd setback, will be a relief to parents. The pressure taken off them will inevitably be pressure taken off our kids.

Story published in The Courier-Mail on December 11, 2007.

Related Links

• Andrew Fuller
• Education Queensland
• ASSIST Psychological and Counselling Services
• The Courier-Mail